I’m an etiquette expert – congratulating a couple on their engagement is rude, here’s what to say instead

If you find yourself writing “congratulations” under a couple’s engagement photos on social media, you might want to think again.

Etiquette expert Alison Cheperdak warns that congratulating lovebirds on this momentous occasion is actually an apology, explaining that it makes engagement feel like a necessary life achievement rather than an act of true love.

“Saying ‘congratulations’ can mean that the engagement is an achievement,” she told Jam Press.

“As if one partner ‘won’ the other, rather than a mutual decision to build a life together.”

The etiquette expert in Washington, DC, explained that the bride’s congratulations can be perceived as surprised that she has “found love.”

“It can suggest that one person is lucky to have secured the other, which can feel more transactional than a celebration of mutual love,” she added, stressing that marriage is “not a done deal” but rather a devotion to love.

“While marriage is important, accomplishments are usually endeavors that require skill or achievement, such as a career milestone or the fulfillment of a personal goal.

She suggested saying, “I’m so happy for you both” or “best wishes” as a substitute.

“Express emotion without congratulatory connotations,” she advised.

“Congratulations should be reserved for accomplishments such as graduating, landing a new job, or reaching a personal milestone—moments that reflect individual effort and growth—that will look different to different people.”

Cheperdak posted a TikTok series on the topic, but received mixed reactions.

“Hey! So this is crazy,” one critic wrote.

“I would never in a million years associate ‘Congratulations’ with ‘I didn’t think you would,'” said another.

“I don’t think it’s that deep,” someone else snarled.

“Oh geez”, one user wrote sarcastically. “You are a BLAST.”

Some, however, agreed with Cheperdak’s advice.

“Yeah! Always learned that. I always say ‘best wishes!'” one person said.

“Agreed! I’m a wedding photographer and I just say ‘Omg how exciting you must be over the moon.’ Something like that,” agreed another.